BONDS
—I had a dream.
I was probably still in the fourth grade of elementary school at the time...
Jyuu, who was bullied as usual, was helped by no one as usual, and had to run away as usual.
In the end, he could only cry alone, as usual.
When he got home, his mother laughed at him.
Thus, he decided to take a walk until his frustration subsided. Along the way, passersby gawked at his crying figure. Embarrassed, Jyuu trotted to the park to wash his face.
Fortunately, there were only a few people in the park, and the water faucet was empty.
Jyuu turned on the faucet and scooped up the running water with both hands, before splashing it on his face.
The tap water was cold, unlike his tears.
—Could this be the temperature of emotions?
He looked for a handkerchief to wipe his face, and when he realized that he didn’t have any, he used his clothes instead.
Jyuu wandered aimlessly through the park, mindful to not spill any tears. He tried to come up with happy thoughts, but couldn’t remember any. It saddened him, and when he felt he was about to cry once more, he hurried to think of something else.
Is there anything else? ...Anything at all?
Then, he spotted a figure on the bench.
If it had been one of his classmates, Jyuu would’ve fled. However, it was a little girl.
Judging from her red school bag, she must’ve been a kindergartener in her first grade.
Even though she was covering her face, it was obvious that she was crying.
Her tears trickled down the backs of her hands. Her eyes were red and swollen, likely from rubbing them too much. In addition, she was covered in drool and snot.
Jyuu wanted to reach out to her.
He gently approached her and sat down next to her. Then, without the slightest hesitation, Jyuu extended his hand towards her.
He’d never patted someone’s head before.
If anything, he wanted someone to be that nice to him.
However, when he saw her crying even harder than him, he was overcome with the urge to treat her kindly.
...I don’t know why.
Well, it wasn’t like he needed a reason.
When he stroked her head, the girl trembled for a moment, but after she saw the owner of the gentle hand, she blinked a few times, as if trying to ascertain whether it was a dream or reality.
Jyuu was a little surprised.
Beneath her obstructing bangs, a cute feature, along with a pair of fierce eyes could be seen.
...Her eyes—overflowing with tears—looked very pretty.
When the girl stared at him, Jyuu became embarrassed and laughed awkwardly.
...He didn’t know he could still laugh.
What happened after that was quite vague.
Between her sobs, she told her story. He listened intently.
Afterwards, they stayed together until she stopped crying, and talked about various things.
—the anime and manga that were popular at the time. Fun things at school...
The girl would listen to his every word with full attention.
Jyuu, who didn’t expect that, was filled with a strange feeling.
It didn’t take long for the two to smile wholeheartedly.
Due to it happening a long time ago, many details were obscure.
—Nevertheless, he considered it as a pleasant memory.
Then, the memory resurfaced as a dream.
He’d probably forget it when he woke up.
...How much of it is reality, and how much of it is a dream?
Either way, it was an innocent dream.
***
When his eyes fluttered open, the first thing he saw was the white ceiling.
From the peculiar smell, he found out it was a hospital. Apparently, he made it. He was lying on a clean but untidy bed. He tried to move, but couldn’t even lift a finger. In the end, he could only look around.
As he turned around, he saw his mother sitting on a chair beside his bed.
Her long legs were arrogantly crossed, and she had a cigarette in her mouth.
“Isn’t smoking forbidden in the hospital?”
“Who do you think I am?”
Jyuuzawa Benika spoke as she exhaled a plume of smoke from her lips.
“Congratulations on staying alive.”
“I never thought I’d see you here.”
“I can’t help it. You’re my son and I’m your mother.”
“How long have I slept?”
“Three days, two hours, and fifteen minutes, I guess.”
Looking on her watch, Benika answered bitterly while taking a puff of her cigarette.
“Don’t die before your parents. You’ll make me look like a fool.”
“If I die, will you cry?”
“What makes you think I won’t?”
Jyuu was at a loss when his mother shot back with a serious look on her face.
“No matter how stupid you are, you’re my only son. You’re the only one who inherits my genes, and there’s no one else who can replace you. Don’t you dare forget that.”
“...Don’t say anything selfish.”
That was all Jyuu could say.
Jyuuzawa Benika had always been like that.
She was selfish, brazen, and domineering.
Even though she just happened to give birth to a child and become a mother. When he was still young, Jyuu used to long for a normal mother, and even tried to project the image onto Benika, but he no longer felt that way anymore.
It was contradictory, but Jyuu loved and hated his selfish mother.
I’m really glad to see you here.
Of course, even if his mouth was torn, he’d never admit that to her.
Then, when he wondered if she was about to console him, Benika blew another puff of smoke at him and uttered ecstatically.
“I’ve heard about it. It seems that you were involved in something interesting. To be stabbed by a female classmate with whom you have no romantic relationship with... What a valuable experience.”
“What happened to her?”
“To Satsuki Miya?”
Jyuu nodded and Benika replied.
“...She’s dead.”
“Eh?”
“I thought she’d killed you, so I killed her myself. Don’t worry, I made sure to make it look like suicide.”
Taken aback at Jyuu’s tense expression, Benika quickly corrected herself.
“I was just kidding. Don’t be so scared.”
“Your joke is cursed.”
“I can’t deny that.”
After shrugging playfully, Benika dropped the cigarette butt into her portable ashtray.
“Satsuki Miya is at the police station. She turned herself in after stabbing you.”
“...Is that so?”
Although he didn’t know if it was the right choice, it was still the best that he could think of.
Slightly relieved, Jyuu realized that something was amiss.
“What happened to her?”
“...Who are you referring to this time? I don’t know any of your friends.”
Even though she seemed fed up, Benika still answered.
“Well, I guess it’s safe to assume that you’re referring to Ochibana Ame. She’s currently sleeping on the sofa in the hallway.”
Smiling wryly, Benika pointed to the door of the hospital room with her finger.
“What a peculiar girl. She said that it was her duty to ensure your safety, and never left your side for even a moment. The doctors and the nurses were in trouble. When I arrived, she tried to engage in a duel with me. Apparently, she suspected that I came to finish you off. Then, a girl who seemed to be her sister came to pick her up, but to no avail. Just two hours ago, I slipped some sleeping pills into her coffee, and the rest is history. She may be small, but she’s a woman of character. Where did you find her?”
“...Bonds from the previous life, I guess.”
“Heh, isn’t that amazing?”
Benika smiled and dropped the ash from her cigarette.
“Still, I owe that girl. If not for her first aid, I’d be attending your funeral by now.”
Jyuu suddenly saw them—
—the slightly dark circles under Benika’s eyes. The sign of fatigue—of weakness—was a rare sight for someone as tough as his mother. Did she stay by his side without sleeping?
Even if he were to ask, he doubted his mother would answer honestly.
Although it may be out of topic, at the very least he could bring himself to say it now.
“...The lunchbox.”
“Hm?”
“The lunchbox, it was delicious.”
“Oh, that.”
Benika replied curtly before exhaling another puff of smoke.
A refreshing breeze blew through the window and the curtains swayed. Due to the season, it was a bit lukewarm, yet still revitalizing. Thin streams of clouds were scattered in the sky, and below that, the well-maintained trees peculiar to hospitals could be seen. The natural fragrance calmed him.
Somehow, even time seemed to flow slowly, and Jyuu felt nostalgic.
It’d been years since he’d met his mother and had a normal conversation with her.
Benika might’ve thought so, too.
She just didn’t want to delve in it
Dumping her cigarette butt into the portable ashtray, she left her seat.
“The doctor said that it’ll take two months for a complete recovery. But since you’re my son, three weeks should suffice.”
For a moment, he thought of stopping her, but decided against it. In the end, he wordlessly saw her off.
He’d forgotten how it was like to be spoiled by his own mother.
“Oh, that reminds me...”
As she put her hand on the door, she turned around.
“Did you see anything?”
“Huh?”
“For the past three days, you’d been teetering on the edge of death. How was it? Did you see the entrance to the afterlife? I guess not. Then, what was it? Was there a judge? Or the King of Hell?”
“...I didn’t see anything.”
“How boring.”
While sighing dejectedly, Benika opened the door.
“Well, it means that you’re still alive, isn’t it?”
“It seems like I still have to suffer.”
“To you, is living synonymous to suffering?”
Benika left him with those words.
He usually disliked it, but today, it didn’t bother him as much.
He exhaled deeply, regretting her disappearance, before falling asleep once again.
This time, he didn’t dream.
***
As Benika expected, Jyuu’s injuries had healed completely by the end of the summer vacation.
The doctor was amazed. Unfortunately, Jyuu was no superhuman. The incident had left him with a permanent scar on his lower abdomen—one that was unlikely to disappear until he turned into ash.
Every time he saw the scar, he’d probably recall them—
—Miya’s tears, cries, pain, resentment, and also powerlessness.
Miya, who turned herself in to the police, was deemed to be an accomplice of Kakura Kiyoshi after the interrogation.
She also submitted all the images she’d taken as evidence.
The entire time, Miya still seemed out of it, but at the same time, it also looked as if she’d lost something.
Apparently, Miya calmly told the police about the circumstances up until now.
When asked why she had a stockpile of images of the victims, such was her reply:
“The first time Onii-san raped me, I cried, over and over again. I pleaded. Stop. Save me. Forgive me—over and over again. I averted my gaze, and that was when I saw a mirror—a large mirror that I’d use from time to time. My face was reflected upon that mirror. ...Only that the expression was the worst. I was confused. I didn’t know I was capable of making such an expression. I loathed it. The victims had similar looks on their faces as they died. I felt like if I became the perpetrator, I’d stop being the victim—that if I became the one who caused them to make such an expression, something would change. Or so I thought, yes, that’s what I believed...”
Whether or not it was the truth, Jyuu couldn’t tell.
Miya’s mother believed that her daughter’s occasional bruises were due to school bullying, and that she was visiting Kakura Kiyoshi to consult him about it. Her mother also didn’t see any reason to doubt her daughter’s story. In a way, her mother was the kind of person who didn’t want to meddle.
Her mother, who’d avoided interfering with her daughter’s business and turned a blind eye to her, was said to have cried upon hearing the explanation from the police.
Jyuu didn’t know how heavy Miya’s sin was, or how she was supposed to make amends. He deliberately didn’t read any related articles in the newspaper, either.
He’d be lying if he said that he wasn’t curious.
It’d be a different story if she were to receive the death penalty, but as long as they were alive, there might be a chance for them to meet again.
Or, was he asking for the impossible?
There were plenty of loose ends left, but that was probably what life was all about.
***
At the beginning of the new semester, the atmosphere in the class had changed completely.
The desks of Fujishima Kanako and Satsuki Miya had been removed.
At the opening ceremony, the principal didn’t mention the incident, and instead preached about the value of life.
The girls in Miya’s class, who were on good terms with her, put up a cheerful front. Perhaps, they were trying to forget both the incident and the existence of Satsuki Miya right away.
Even the boys who used to like Miya avoided talking about her after hearing about the incident.
...Even though Jyuu told Miya that many would’ve helped her.
Was he mistaken?
Was Miya right in the sense that she had no other choice?
Was Jyuu’s conviction nothing more than a naïve ideal, while Miya’s choice was realistic?
Jyuu felt somewhat dejected when he saw his female classmates having fun.
While some of the teachers and the students sympathized with Jyuu, they soon forgot about the incident altogether. As such, he felt as if he was essentially left out of the loop.
There was nothing he could do.
Losing a handful of friends, Jyuu became much more of a loner in class, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to enjoy his everyday life.
***
Only Ochibana Ame didn’t change.
During the summer vacation, she dedicated herself to nursing Jyuu—much to the chagrin of the actual nurses. On the day Jyuu left the hospital, Ame was so overcome with emotions that she cried.
What is she to me?
—To this day, he still couldn’t answer that.
Or perhaps, it was the girl named Ochibana Ame that he didn’t quite understand.
Perhaps, “resignation” was what he felt as he inadvertently spent time with her.
The sky in September looked so transparent, it swept away his depression. Not a single cloud could be found in it, while the blueness stung his eyes.
The sky connected the rest of the world.
On Saturday, during the early afternoon, Jyuu—who went home with Ame as usual—asked while looking towards the sky.
“Which do you prefer, sunny days or rainy days?”
Jyuu expected the answer to be “neither”, but Ame paused for a moment, followed the direction of his gaze, and said.
“I used to love rainy days. I feel like those days are dedicated to me. Just hearing the weather forecast made me happy. But I was mistaken. Upon realizing that my happiness was misplaced, I wanted to cry.”
She’d never mentioned her childhood before. While Ame was a girl with a small frame, back when she was still a child, she must’ve been smaller.
Somehow, Jyuu could easily picture the young Ame.
A little girl, whose round eyes were overflowing with tears...
“Even now, I have mixed feelings towards the rainy days.”
Seeing how forlorn her smile was, Jyuu instinctively reached out to her.
As if touching a delicate object, Jyuu gently stroked her head.
Ame immediately turned to look at Jyuu. She seemed surprised, which was unusual of her.
“Hey, Ochibana Ame.”
“Yes?”
“I have no ambitions. I also have no dreams at the moment. I have no goals or wishes, either. But I think it’s fine as long as I live to the fullest. That’s who I am—Jyuuzawa Jyuu. You get that?”
“Yes.”
“I’m probably going to live a bleak life from now on. I might miss a huge opportunity because I’m obsessed with small happiness.”
“Yes.”
“So, there’s no point in following me. You won’t get anything out of it. How’s that? Tired of me, yet?”
“No.”
“...Are you an idiot? You’re smart, but also stupid. Why do you enjoy spending time with me so much?”
“There are various reasons.”
In response, Ame laughed happily. Somehow, looking at her expression made him want to smile, too.
He used to think of her as a peculiar girl.
But now, not so much. Perhaps, he’d become weird, too.
“...Okay then. You can stay with me until you get tired of it. I’ll accompany you until I get tired of it, too.”
“Okay.”
“Then, where are we headed to?”
“Huh?”
“Don’t ‘huh?’ me. Didn’t I say that I’ll accompany you? Where’d you like to go?”
“No, you don’t need to—”
“—C’mon, let’s just go.”
Jyuu gently urged the hesitant Ame.
He was somewhat proud of himself for being able to do so naturally.
“...A-alright. Then, to Shibuya.”
“Do you want to go shopping for clothes?”
“No, uhm, there’s a second-hand bookstore that sells manga...”
“Okay, let’s go check it out.”
Seeing Ame smile bashfully, yet happily, made Jyuu happy.
This is also a delusion—but that’d be a selfish thought.
We live with upsides and downsides.
Still, I hope that at the end of the day, the upsides will outweigh the downsides.
Thus, Jyuu began to walk. The delinquent boy and the girl who pretended to be his knight marched towards the station in high spirits.